Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
