it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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