thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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