I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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