You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize