Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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