I cut my penus on the lid.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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