on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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