lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
