Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
