I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
