i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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