At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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