she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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