Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
