Where did you get a picture of my penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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