i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
