I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
