I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
