census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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