Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
