I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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