finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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