When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
