I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
