I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
