guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
