just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
