How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
