Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
