Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
