Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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