I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
