I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
