My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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