mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
