Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
