After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
