Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
