I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
