The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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