She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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