How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
