We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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