somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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