I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
