I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Randomize
