exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
