At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
