We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
