so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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