So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
