Who wears a wallet chain?!
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
