i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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