I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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