i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
