So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
