Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
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