god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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