Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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