Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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