the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
