She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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