found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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