I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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