I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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