mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
