I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
